I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
