I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
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You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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