hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
