Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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