i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
