Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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