The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
