I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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