its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
