I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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