I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
