So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
