the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
