If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just pee around me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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