Your face is a jimmy john
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
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I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize