my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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