I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
