My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
