Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
