It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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