my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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