dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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