I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
