I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
