that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
