we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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