Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
