There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
