mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize