i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
