I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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