I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
