i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
