There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
