You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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