I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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