Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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