The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
