I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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