got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
