I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
