Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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