You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
