Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
