This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
