I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
