soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
