True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
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Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
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I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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