I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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