so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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