did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
