don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
