Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
