I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Randomize
