too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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